Just writing that down makes me feel a bit itchy.
I honestly don't think I have truly relaxed since my children were born. Maybe even before that - pregnancy being especially full of things to worry about. It's why I have a particular aversion to the media bleating on at me about "me time" and "taking care of yourself first so you can be the best mother you can be" and all that malarky. Because that malarky just seems to trivialise the immense burden that parenting actually is. A hot bath and a fresh pedi is just not going to even lick the surface of how pent up parenting makes us.
Or maybe that's just me.
Whenever I am away from my children, I'm emotionally pent up because I'm wondering how they are going. What are they up to? Are people being kind to them? Are they being kind to people? Are they being polite? Do they have their feet on the walls? (I wrote that because just at that very moment I glanced over at Maxi reading his book beside me with his feet sliding all over the wall and I said, "For the 100th 1000th time, Maxi, don't put your feet on the walls!" so I kinda know that when he's not with me, he probably has his feet on somebody else's walls... dear god). And I constantly wonder: Who do they go to when they want to dobb on each other when I'm not there? Who do they call out "look at me, look at me" too? Who?
Whenever I am with my children, I'm physically pent up because I have to be ever-alert to things like feet on walls. My children call out 'mum, muuuuum' about 100,000 times a day and I can't sit down for a single minute without someone needing me to get back up again. I can get up and down and up and down 1000s of times in a day and I can do it all while simultaneously tuning out whinging, whining and bickering. I am surprised that Mumming isn't an Olympic sport. I am right in the middle of my training for that one. If only they slept a bit better I think I might have that sensation of "ah, day's done" once they get into bed. But so far, no go on that regard, although we are definitely getting there.
See, damned if you are with them, damned if you are without them. It never goes away.
Do you ever really, truly relax?
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39 comments:
Short answer is NO! Hate it when I get to have a massage (even one at the Chinese sadists at the shopping centre) and I know I'm supposed to breathe and relax and I just can't!!!
Ummm... no! I feel exactly the same way. I did spend five hours by myself today - at a professional development, so it wasn't *all* about me.. but... I did get to make an artwork and that makes me happy! I figure it doesn't matter if I get 'me' time right now, one day they'll be grown and I'll have more 'me' time than I can handle. No doubt I will have to take up something boring like gardening or painting my house. I cherish the 'busy-ness' of mothering, I embrace the chaos and exhaustion. At least, that's what I tell myself ;)
Ha! I was just talking about this 5 minutes ago.
There we were all snuggled up together watching a Sunday afternoon movie. All relaxing and enjoying ourselves when all of a sudden it occured to me that I haven't yet washed the uniforms, baked any lunch box treats or washed any body's hair. Ahhhhh... not so relaxing after all. x
I love the way you put things - yes you are totally right, totally and then there are the people doing it solo! Maximum respect to them....
No. There is always something to worry about. Always.
Oh yeah! Well done, you have just expressed how I feel ALL the time. I never relax and I never have time alone... if I do (when they are at school) I am constantly checkin the clock to 'remember' to pick them up - like I am actually going to forget! HELP! x
No not really. I can act like I am but they are always on my mind. Always.
When my Dad turned 60 my brother and I gave him a frame with a pic of the 3 of us in it (Dad, brother, me). On the frame it says "Human beings are the only species that allow their children to keep coming home". Which was funny because both my brother and I have moved in and out of home several times. I guess you could say I still live at home seeing as we live in the main house of Dad's house and he lives in a flat out the back.
No, I don't think I have truly realxed since becoming a mother. I've done 'relaxing' things - like holidays [with kids], got a pedi or mani, read a book in the sunshine whilst sipping coffee. But whilst doing these things I either have the kids with me....or I'm thinking about them, worrying about them and planning for them! IT.NEVER.STOPS!
You're not alone Bron :) It just comes with the territory of being a Mumma, I think :)
x
So well said.
It is exactly that...if you are lucky enough to get a bit of "me" time you spend the entire time thinking about "them"
I think that is just part and parcel of being a good mom...you are available to your kids and are thinking about them whether they are there or not!
Full disclosure here...I still call my mom all the time and at all hours of the day...I am pretty sure even she, with a thirty something year old daughter wishes she had more "me" time!
Never. I often think back to the last time I truly truly relaxed. When I was able to lie back with a book, and not worry about ANYTHING; dinner, preschool project, speech, whether they'll turn out OK... Think it was in 2004 when hubby and I were in Greece.
And Bron you know we wouldn't have it any other way. "Me time" ... the greatest 'beat up' of modern time. The last 'me time' I had was in the delivery ward thirteen years ago ... and that's okay.
No! Although a hot bath after the kids in bed, is as close as it gets.
As my mother said "your kids are always your kids" so you never stop worrying!! I think all we can do is work with it, teach them the best we can, and look after ourselves the best we can. Your crew look like a great bunch of kids so you must be doing it right!!!
Sooooo good. Love this blog.
My children are older than yours so do you want the good news or the bad news? The bad news: I find the older they get the more I worry and lately I've been wondering about my own mother and trying to imagine what her anxiety levels must be like. The good news: I think we're built for this job! xx
Although you never stop worrying and never stop wondering about your children, there is still a lot of importance to value yourself. I think this is what is meant about 'me time', something i have spoken about often. Valuing yourself and giving yourself value and worth. No doubt as we are having a bath, or having that pedicure we are still worrying, but even if it just a little of valuing yourself and taking care of yourself, then this is worth while.
Attention:
God I so get this Bron! I keep saying 'the never go away', argghhh, to just relax, oh I just want that.
I often ponder the irony that men can say 'see ya, I am off to the pub/golf course/office/ whatever and don't give a second thought to the welfare of their kids - not because they don't care, but because they KNOW that whoever they are with, they are in good hands.
About the only time I experience this is, ironically, when Jaden is at daycare. Maybe because I am paying them money. If J is with anyone else, I spend the whole time wondering if he is going ok/behaving himself etc etc.
Thankfully though, with only one little tacker I do get that post 7.30pm relaxation (even though I am checking on him every hour to ensure he is still breathing).
Mine are 1 turning 2 and 6 turning 7 (why do kids always say that?) and my husbands girls are 11 and 13. I figured as kids got older they needed you less but now watching the older ones navigate boys, bra's and life I panic because I can see that while you don't have to wipe bums you have to do much worse. Me time sux.
Never goes away Bron, and you can't even begin to imagine the feeling until you've had your own, can you?
Although you do get a little reprieve once the sleeping thing is sorted xx
With the Munchkin now at school, I have all these luxurious hours - well apart from doing the washing, a little housework, running errands and running a business. Isn't running a business "me-time"? If it's not, then well, no, there really is no break? Ah, such is life!
Yes I do relax but maybe that's because I only have 1 child and he is only 18 months old.
I definitely had more available time to read novels and go to movies before he was born, and I miss doing things in 1 fell swoop, instead of incrementally.
I don't think I need to relax as much as some might. My work life was always so fraught that the onset of motherhood and maternity leave made everything so much calmer.
I suppose I'll always worry.
They say you're only as happy as your least happy child.
I reckon the concept of me time's ok if it helps you be a better more productve parent.
I'm only just starting to relax with our 2nd child who is 2yo. Somehow, it was difficult this time around. Maybe because he is a Premmie. However, it's getting easier with both kids, if I get to the tantrums + fights quickly enough. But to get out of the house for 'me time' is almost impossible. When it does happen, I find I don't think that much of the boys as they are with their Father. Anyone else, and yes I'm a worry wart.
Nope never relax. I don't even get time to relax and do that "me time" malarkey either cos I need to eke out time to work somewhere in there too. I sometimes dread night fall because I know I won't get the rest I need and I'll be battling the baby to sleep & flinging the preschooler back to his bed. One of my favourite posts you've ever written here & so very true for me. X ps. I don't want to generalise or be unkind but do you think men feel this way?.
Whoops, try again.. So true about never stopping worrying/thinking about them. But at least that equals a parent who genuinely loves and cares for their kids. Great post, Bron.
I could not agree more, what a perfectly written post! No I don't believe I've truly relaxed at all since I became a mother. The longest I've left my children for is one night, and I couldn't even sleep properly. No sleep in, no lazy morning or long, slow breakfast, just a quick trip to pick them up early! May as well if I'm sitting around thinking about them anyway!
NEVER. i NEVER relax. I would just LOVE five minutes I tell ya!!! xx
No, you never truly relax. That is all.
No, no relaxing going on over here.x
Too true.
It's the part no one can possibly prepare you for.
xxx
Happy Birthday twin of my daughter! I remembered! She is 41 today as you are.
I have been a parent for as long as you & she have been alive
No it never goes away.
My dad at 88 would agree.
This past weekend it came back full force from the trickle of the allusion it had 'gone' when our son injured himself so badly he is now in hospital.
He is married with 2 kids.
It never goes away. Even when you think you can relax as the kids become adults & have their lives..no, the invisible thread pulls a bit tighter in times of need
HAPPY BIRTHday! 41 today xxx
It's so true, you never really switch off, it's not possible. I always love the thought of spending a weekend away with my hubby or girlfriends, and it's always nice, but honestly I'm busting to get back to them, and everything is 'right' again.
Nope. but i reckon that, sure as eggs, my nannas never thought about their lack of 'me' time. that load of crap makes people think they have things so bad, when really gifts abound. Not the gift of relaxation though.
My 90 Year old Grandmother always said you never stop worrying about your children but the first 18 years are the hardest! Ha! Honestly, relaxation is all relative once you have kids and a night/weekend/week away is great but it all comes back as soon as you get back. I am a sleep nazi though so definitely the evenings from 7.30 are relatively relaxing when I finally sit down and do nothing. Apparently as Kids grow up their bedtime gets later. What!?!?!? I hate the word "me time" just as much as I dislike the word "play date". Cringe. Mel xx
The truth of it never going away has been re-enforced to me big time this year, with my own, and then watching my older siblings with the worries their adult children bring, and my mum's worry for us when all is not well. So yep, total relaxation, a thing of the past.
Oh no...it never goes away, in fact i feel it intensifies!!!! Yes, the bit about parenting they DONT tell you! b xx
Yes never goes away - that connection with our babies. Was just discussing this last week with a friend whose children have left home. We came to the conclusion that while this never leaves you, you do need time away from the children when they're young so you can just be a woman! Always a mother but not in a carer/giver role while you're away - even if just an hour a week. Call it me-time if you like. Whatever it is I think it's important, and that's the only time I truly relax xx
I am sure every mother relates to this! We probably stress because we care so much. But I have to say, maybe it's the climate, or maybe because I only work a few hours a week, but since having a child, I have never felt more relaxed. Maybe it's the good hormones! Who knows. I am due to have a second one in over a month, so I might have a different story to tell then :) x
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