There is something that I had hoped that I would have grown out of by now.
Actually, there are a lot of things that fit that category (drinking too much, not menu planning, giggling at farts), but for now, we'll focus on the big one.
My suckyupedness when I think someone doesn't like me.
I don't even especially have to like them... I just don't want them to feel the same way about me. When the feeling is mutual, I go to absolute pieces and try to win them over with my charm and niceness. Shudder. No wonder they don't like me. But there I am. Oozing suckyupedness.
I really admire the people who, when they suspect that someone doesn't like them - and this is, of course, if they even notice in the first place (I always notice) - just shrug a little and go, "oh well, it's probably them, not me" and get on with their lovely life without a single thought to that person.
I am not like that.
It's like I have a cool-seeking missile attached to my brain that explodes the minute the slightest hint of frost towards myself is detected. I wish I never noticed such trifles, but I do and I seem incapable of ignoring them. Why? What did I do? What's wrong with me? How can I fix this? Sometimes I can think of nothing else.
Being hyper-aware of those around you has its day, of course. It's always a nice feeling when you're the first to ask someone 'what's wrong?' and really mean it. But being hyper-aware (or paranoid? Probably paranoid) of people's perception of yourself is cruel and surely unnecessary. I want to be more content within myself so other people's perceptions of me don't define me. I don't need to care about what someone thinks of me because I think I'm okay. I'm kind of there, but I'm kind of not there. Truth is, I just can't stand their coolness. It seems somehow... superior.
I think I might possibly be the most annoying person on earth.
Are there any other paranoid / suckyuppity types out there?
Can you stand it when people openly don't like you?
[Image of the Snow Queen from FACEON, November 2010 issue: Dave Piper]