Here's one for you.
When your eight year old sobs that he is too scared to go to sleep at night and it happens night after night after night...
Are you sympathetic?
Do you sit with him and help him through his fear?
Again?
Again?
Again?
Or do you tell him that everything is fine and he needs to go to sleep and if he keeps coming out then the door will have to be shut and the night light turned off and then he'll really have something to be scared about?
Oh, it's just so hard to know what the right thing to do is! This parenting thing is too hard sometimes and I just want a real parent to come over and sort stuff out.
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45 comments:
You just sit there night after night after night and one day you realise he doesn't want you anymore.
Bribery always sorts shit out...
Put the night light on and say "if your stay in bed you can have a freddo/jellybeans/matchbox car for breakfast if he does it bravo and then you can wean him off wean all is comfy, if not you probably need a real parent...
That's my best advice; no charge!
Good luck ox
We've had issues with miss 8 in a similar vein. What turned the tide was an ipod app called bedtime meditations for kids by christianne Kerr . We don't need it every night now, and she's getting lots more rest.
I remember being that eight year old. I wish so much my parents hadve let me lay on the couch with a pillow & blanket and fall asleep in their company...and then wake me later on, all befuddled with sleep, lead me to my bed to sleep the rest of the night away. I wished I hadve had that...so I let my kids do it. They got scared too...it went away eventually. They just felt more secure in our company.
I used to be so scared I'd get into bed with my little sister.
Just got my almost two year old back into a bath, now trying to wash his hair and he gets so worked up. So if you find that expert be sure to send her my way. You just never know what to expect from these little darlings.
Narelle
I would love The Nanny on speed dial. I for one, didn't know that parenting an be so exhausting.
Ohh, sobbing, that's the stuff that really pulls at my heart strings. When it's whiny crying I tend to get stern but not for real sobs. If it's been going on for a while it might be worth getting some advice from a so called expert. I'd probably call the maternal health nurse to see if they can direct you to the appropriate person. You could also try the gp and maybe get an expert to a psychologist, I'm pretty sure there is some Medicare funding for this as well. Good luck :)
I'll send my mum. She'll sit with him and rub his back until he falls asleep ...every single night. She might pull the odd 'i'm just ducking to the bath room i'll be back in a minute' or the 'i'll just put the kettle on and come right back'- but she'll do it.
I remember her doing exactly that for my brother and I.
xo em
And here I was thinking the sleep issues were somethIng we just had to put up with for a few years while they're small!
These https://www.skillbuilders.com.au/Products/Skill/Relaxation-for-Kids/Let-s-Imagine-Tape-CD-Series.aspx are really lovely and can be found on iTunes think entire CD under $20 and worth every cent
At 8 he should be old enough to articulate whats going on for him, what it is he is scared of maybe (ie the dark, noises, being alone)
Would sharing with a sib help?
The "disappearing chair" is a good compromise ie not laying in bed all night with them nor leaving them to their own big feelings on their own, Google it I am sure there is heaps on it but basically sitting in the room and gradually moving out.
The "Circle of Security" parenting program talks about how to parent in 25 words of less which is basically "Always be Bigger Kinder Stronger and Wiser than your child. Wherever possible meet their needs. Whenever necessary take charge" (set limits). I think there is a LOT in this. (excellent program btw).
In terms of the childs needs they are split into two areas. Picture a circle. On the left of circle there are HANDS. You (the parent) are the hands (representing a SAFE BASE and a SECURE HAVEN). The top half of the circle is all about the childs needs to EXPLORE and the parent giving permission/allowing the child verbally and non verbally to separate from the parent and explore. The bottom half of the circle represents the RETURNING to the PARENT, being WELCOMED BACK TO FILL THEIR EMOTIONAL CUP. These two halves need to be balanced and we as parents often struggle with one half or both. The needs of the child on the top half of the circle (SUPPORT MY EXPLORATION) are to Watch Over Me, Delight in ME, Help Me, Enjoy with Me. The childs needs on the bottom half of the circle (Welcome me back/Emotional connection and fulfilment) are to Protect Me, Comfort Me, Delight in Me and Help Me Organise My Feelings.
The COS program talks a lot about this concept of "being with" which really means being present and staying with someone emotionally to help them with big feelings and being the rock and the anchor and the "container" for them. Self regulation comes via CO-REGULATION ie the primary care giver being available calm and consistent and not "thrown" by me (the child) wavering or being out of control. COS also talks about the child who is "whiny or demanding or aggressive or upset" really signalling that they don't know what to do with how they are feeling and they need the parent to be calm, take charge, be kind, stay with them (perhaps physically but especially emotionally) until both chld and parent understand the feeling that seems too much for the child alonne, and to help them return to what they were doing with a new option". Underneath all this is the premise that "helping the child to trust that our relationship is ok will almost always set things right"
Another key concept of COS is that the parent who is not the Secure Base/Safe Haven, who is not "being with" can lapse into Mean Weak or Gone (physically or emotionally absent) and these last 3 can effect the r'ship and the childs behaviour and sense of security.
Lots of listening to him (read How To Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child, How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk)
Try problem solving/solution oriented focus together ie together figuring out what the prob is and some possible solutions, pros and cons of solutions and pick the best one to implement and then review how thats working/whats working whats not
Lots of empathy and confidence in him (ie its hard and I know you can do this)
Lots of celebrating success when he steps in the right direction towards less fear etc
Hope there are some little glimmers of hope in all of this. Hang in there!
Oh we've had this one. grr! We tried all of the approaches you mentioned. None of them worked. Eventually he grew out of it. Though he still stretches bed time out till some time 10 pm every evening. I find it exhausting not having any child free time when I can stop being a parent and be me. By the time it happens, I'm asleep. We found listening to stories on Cd helped. Good Luck! If you find the solution let me know!
Haha I love Hannah's comment! My dad would say lock him in there in the dark and use the old "I'll give you something to cry about!" line. Have you asked what he's scared of?
You have a way of making me laugh with your posts... even when they're probably not meant to be funny. I often wish that a real parent would come and sort stuff out for me.
Leisa I really love that you do that for your kids. Your reply was like a little reminder that sometimes all our kids need to feel secure is to be in our company xx
Oh, boy. I had this with BOTH these kids, and my daughter still won't go up the hallway without 3000 watts of light to show the way.
There have been plenty of times where I was an impatient cranky mum, but I DID try really hard to remember that awful feeling of being afraid yet scared to tell my (crabby) mother too.
So we just had to limit scary stuff (stories and Dr Who!) and be patient.
Hate to be gross, but have you wormed him lately? I work with kids, you don't want to know what you can pick up in the playground ;)
We are having similar issues with our seven year old. I think for him it's just that the winter nights are so long and so dark. We go for bribery at our place too, although I must admit I love the odd cuddle if he sneaks into our bed in the wee hours.
Hang in there!
I am a complete pussy-cat. I will rub the fear away until eternity. Meow xx
I think that all the time abou getting a real parent around to deal with the things like this that I have no idea which way to turn. Bebito has night terrors and is scared of his shadow at the moment. We do all manner of things to placate him including both of the options you've outlined. He's young enough to be "fooled" by a bottle of "monster spray" ( just some room spray we call monster spray) and that works occasionally. I totally feel for you. Xxx
My 2 year old goes to bed each night no problem - lights off and night night. My 5 year old tries everything from something in his room, tummy ache, needs to tell us something. I know when he's fibbing and after 1/2 hour the light goes off. But when he wakes in the night all sweaty and scared then I go and keep him company. I do love his snuggles and feeling safe. Good luck, it is never ending :) x
This stuff is really hard. Some of the toughest moments as a parent seem to happen in the darkness of night. I've always felt a little hopeless when they don't sleep or settle at night. You kinda just want a few measly hours to get your thoughts together... to be ready to take them on the following day, yeah? That's how I feel anyway. We have a four year old who wakes during the night, frightened of giants and barking dogs and sharks. I guess the fears are heightened that much further as they get older. Hope it sorts out soon for you all.
It's so hard Bron and only you can know how best to handle it. We had issues when Miss now 12 was about 10. A bit different though as she is DH's daughter so spends half time with us half with her Mum. Her Mum used to let her sleep with her and sit with her till she went to sleep, we took the opposite approach. Talking to her about it and then reassuring her everything was okay. She was more scared about not sleeping than sleeping itself though so we explained as long as she was resting in bed that is just as good as actually sleeping. After a few weeks she started to go to bed without getting upset and would sleep through. At her Mums she was still having problems, but as far as we know is okay now.
Don't know if that is helpful at all, but everyone has different issues and different ways of handling it. And different things work for different kids, and they do grow out of it too. Hugs and thoughts for you all xx
I could be patient for ooo may be one or two nights. After that I would just go with bribery..... I am not proud.
Seriously though I think the small target approach might work. Get him to stay in bed for 10 mins and he gets a reward and then 20 mins for a reward etc. It worked for a friend of mine. Good luck.
So you already got lots of good advice but I couldnt not comnent.
I have twin 8 yr olds and a 5 yr old. They all have had screaming sobbing too scared to sleep moments. The first trick wad figuring out what they were scared of. For one it was being alone so we had him bunk with brother for awhile. For one the quiet made him think every little noise was something bad so he listened to audio cds til he fell asleep for awhile. One couldnt close his eyes because he swore it made his eyes water and hurt. A sleeping mask fixed that. One of our 8 year olds cant sleep in a clean room. His bed is always filled with toys, books, clothes etc... And when its not e panics.
We roll with the punches around here and try and encourage our boys to voice the fear and then we brainstorm a solution togethet. When all that inevitably fails we remind them that god is the best superhero and they can pray for him to save them from their fears. Finally we give in and let them come in our bed.
Good luck!
Tricky! For me it depends on whether or not I think he's trying it on. If he is I will give it the 'I'll shut the door if you don't lie down', other times I will sit at the end of the bed until he goes. One thing I do know though is these phases always seem like they are never going to end - and then they just do. Good luck x
The sobbing or tears gets me every single time and I will just stay there. Xx
I haven't read the other comments so don't know if this has been said, buuuut.... Personally, I never take those things lightly. If this is out of character, something is going on. Somewhere. It mightn't literally be because of being 'scared of the dark' or things that go bump in the night. Could be an issue during the day, could be an issue with you! (I can't use a smiley, I know you despise them... but consider one inserted here....)
If it is attention-seeking behaviour, ok. Why, though? It wouldn't be enough for me (again, just personally) to leave it at "You're trying it on, knock it off and get to sleep, I am not coming in here again and I"m taking your night light with me." Slip the shoe onto your foot, if you had something that was bothering you so much you couldn't even put it into words and the only person you perceived as being able to protect you was getting pissed off at you... hmmmm. I'd feel pretty shit right about then!
I know you know me, and I don't know if this is you, but I'd be going for relaxation techniques, safe-space chatting (to see what comes of it) and end-time (to put a lid on it if it's getting ridiculously long in the tooth each night)! Works here when things crop up, and they do from time to time.
Good luck, whatever method you grab hold of! xo
No idea, but I am right there with you on this one. Clueless and with my hands full with a scared six year old. Tiring for sure.
Yep, have to say I'm a patter as well. You can tell when they're just putting it on. I can't help thinking how I'd feel, and I'm a softie xx
I love Cat's monster spray idea. I usually start off with patience, try hard-arse and then give in and lie there forever. My husband is genetically unable to listen to a child cry.
I'm hearing you. Seriously. I too blogged about this last night. Miss 7 does this almost every night and oh boy, it is REALLY hard to put aside what I wanted/needed to do and focus on my girl and pour energy into her at 8.30pm at night when I'm DOG TIRED and need a wine!!! If a fairy god mother could appear right then and take away my babies fear I would be forever grateful. But there is no stink'n fairy godmother! There's only us, worn out mum's and the little hearts that need our comfort. Parenting is bloody hard work. Thanks for showing me I'm not alone!
Hi Maxabella
My 5 year old has been having similar problems, with nightmares thrown into the mix as well. Three things seem to have made a difference; she plays night time appropriate music very softly - most times Enya (not my fave!) or Mozart lullabies, we also recently bought her a Pillow Pet - a big soft cuddly toy to grip on to, and she also uses 'Worry People".
The Worry People are teeny tiny dolls from South America in a teeny tiny bag and were given to me when a family member died suddenly 15 years ago. They were purchased at an Oxfam shop but I don't know if they are still available. The idea is that you tell these tiny people your worries, thereby giving the responsibility to them. You then put them back into their little bag, put it under your pillow and that allows you to go to sleep.
They don't look at all girlie - they are little men in bright primary colours, so they shouldn't put a boy off.
These strategies seem to be working for my girls, as she hasn't had nightmares recently. The Worry People are under her pillow every night and that seems to comfort her.
Good luck with your little person! xx
I like the worry dolls idea. I had these as a teenager, and although I knew it was slightly childish, I loved the idea of packing my worries away for the night.
This is such a tricky situation. I'm always cautious not to give too much attention when the root cause of the drama is attention-seeking. But ... it's nice to acknowledge their feelings, and not dismiss them.
What about moving one of his sisters in as a roomy temporarily? I'm sure Badoo would make mince meat out of any monsters.
Good luck x
My eldest is an extremely anxious child. We spent about twelve months visiting a psychologist to give her ways to deal wih her anxiety, and it has made a world of difference for her. Not a big fan of self help books, but the psychologist did recumbent The Anxiety Cure for Kids so that may be worth checking out.
Tough. Bear (aged nearly 5) listens to CD stories every night after lights out and that seems to do the trick. Frog (aged 3) still likes me to sit with her while she goes to sleep. I compromise and sit at the other end of her bed, dim my iphone down and catch up on emails, blogs, pinterest, etc. She's happy enough with that and so am I. Perfect excuse to sit down and do something that I have trouble justifying at other times in the day - it's a win/win! My favourite time of day!
There also some good bedtime story books that might help - Nightlights - "stories to read to your child to encourage calm, confidence and creativity". I've put a link on my blog.
xx
In the long list of parenting issues I've had with my kids, this just isn't one of them. I've been spared! But that is awful and draining and like everything else my kids have been through, everyone says, 'This too shall pass'. xx
Oh, tug tug tug on those heartstrings. No right answer; no wrong answer. Good luck x
Y-ouch.... this is hard. I still lay with my little guy while he falls asleep. He is 3.5 (cannot forget the .5)! I have tried the night light. I have tried getting Keely to help me out with him being ok to have mum leave the room. Keely was the same, but at 3 she was doing it solo.
I am a sucker. I will lay with him until he tells me he is ready to do it on his own. I tried the leaving the room thing, and it caused myself and him tears. Also Keely would get upset as she was trying to sleep, and couldn't with all of Taj's crying.
It works for us. We all have our moments, all three of us. But this is the "easiest" approach for us.
xx (sorry I didn't really help, did I)!
My son was scared of the dark until he was about 18. We ALWAYS had a light on in the hall, if not a trail of lights through the house whenever he had to get up during the night. I say hang on, it might be a long ride!
Ah. That's a hard one. We are currently trying to get our two to stay in their beds all night before number 3 & night feeds swing around. We have finally had some success with bribery(Pip wanted a beyblade for the longest time & Lily works on a marble reward thing - 1 marble for each night she stays in her bed. 7 marbles gets you a prize. But then my two aren't scared of being in the dark, they just want to snuggle with Mum & Dad. Maybe get him to write down his worries before he goes to bed? Or maybe speak to a dr. perhaps a little counselling will help him(I know it sounds wanky & I'm not implying he has any issues going on or whatever, but you never know, it might help him & give you some distance because I can only imagine how frustrating it would be for you.). Good luck, it's so hard, especially when they are so upset.
Wowsers Bron. Not nice at all - for everyone involved. Look at all Michele's lovely advice up there though. I sincerely hope something works out for you both. Lots of hugs and reassurance might just do the trick. x
My 5 year old same thing - Im not the nicest person when woken BUT i remember the fear myself SO I let her come into our room when she likes (folding bed set up by our bed) - she won't need us forever but she does now and that big imagination gets bigger after dark (I read somewhere that children dream much more than us and much more vividly). If we want our kids to share their feelings with us, we have to believe them when they say they're scared right!?
p.s. love your blog post yesterday! ive been culling my inbox based on who rattles on about themselves and their writing.love your honesty and courage not to always play politically correct
Oh my, I feel the same way sometimes. My two year old insists on taking his socks off only to whinge and cry that his feet are cold as soon as does. I put them back on, again and again, but wow, does it get annoying and frustrating and I just wish that a 'real' parent could come round and figure out a solution that doesn't involve parental yelling or cold feet.
Good luck finding a solution for the nighttime problem.
x laura
We've had this problem too. Turned out 8yo was afraid of someone coming in to the house and stealing her. If you dig a little deeper you might find a reason behind it and it will give you something to work with. We showed her how the doors locked, and how our dog barks if anyone comes near. It made her much more relaxed and we eventually got back to proper sleeping. Its tough getting through it though.
I wonder if dragon magic still works when you're 8. It still does at 6... and has done since the Munchkin had horrendous nightmares at 2 1/2 (we had to sleep on his floor for 2 months, just to reassure him when he woke every hour or so). Every night. Ever since. Is the problem nightmares? It could just be because he has a fantastic imagination. If so, try dream catchers, dragon magic or better still, ask him for solutions for ways to keep the bad stuff at bay.
We need a real parent at our house. Everyday is different getting little one to sleep. Just as you think you've nailed it along comes another developmental change and bam- whole new "get the baby to sleep" strategies are needed. I can imagine it goes on until they are "big". Remember you have 8 years of experience with this sleep thing and parent thing - so I'm sure you are well and truly a real parent by now !!!!! :) I like the dragon magic trick, and the getting to the bottom of it advice. Wish there was an equivalent for infants!!
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