I don't know Dom Knight, but I do know that he would love to have a baby with someone and he seems to have a pretty realistic expectation about what that entails. A broody male is a really, really nice thing, if you ask me. A realistic broody male is the jackpot.
But Dom's been broody for two years now by his own estimation. There are so many women and men out there who are in the exact same boat. It kills me that they aren't all meeting each other and falling in love and having babies.
It's the 'falling in love' bit that gets in the way. We all know you don't need to be in love to procreate so why do we hold onto the notion that you need to be in love raise a child together? I'm not sure. I think you definitely need to be 'in like' and 'in trust' and you need to love each other, yes you do, but it seems a ridiculous notion to suggest that you need to be in love to be good parents.
Now, I say that as a woman who got very lucky and is very much in love with the father of her children, so I'm not even remotely qualified to be writing this post, and yet...
So many couples fall in love, get married and have babies, but the trouble with being in it is you can get out of it as well. I can think of so many couples who I doubt actually like each other very much at all. 'In love' is the romantic, blinding, self-absorbed, shaggable stuff that ideally we keep aside for one special person. 'Love' itself is the kindness, the compassion, the caring, the fondness and, if we're lucky, it can be found everywhere. The 'in love' bit is amazing for sure, but it seems that for the most part it's really hard to find, especially as so many people have such high expectations about what they might fall in love with.
Kids basically just need parents who think the world of them and respect each other just as much. Engaged parents don't need to be actually engaged. What would be wrong with having babies with someone we just love, but aren't in love with? Would that take the pressure off all the women and men who are 'of a certain age' and panicking because they haven't had kids yet and haven't 'met the one' to have them with? There are more friendships in this world that have stood the test of time than love affairs. I think good friends could make really good babies together.
I reckon it's not even the having sex together thing that would freak them out... ! ... ! ... I think most people angst that if they go the family route with a very dear friend they might miss out on being with the 'love of their life' one day. One day. Frankly, I think missing out altogether on raising a family is a very high price to pay for waiting for 'the one'. And, just quietly, I think a lot (a lot a lot!) of people who have those long lists of qualities that they're looking to fall in love with end up 'settling' down the track anyway, their list long forgotten. The great bit is that it doesn't feel like 'settling' because they've grown up enough by then to realise that you don't fall in love with a list, you love a whole person.
So, just putting it out there for you, Dom. Got any really good girl friends who are in the same boat as you? I think you'd better get to it...
Do you think parents being 'in love' is over-rated?
[Image by Brandon Christopher Warren via PhotoPin; words by me]
11 comments:
I think you know my stance on love.
It just complicates things, and personally, it can make you a worse parent sometimes.
I think loving the other parent, and having respect and trust in them is more important than being in love.
I think you need to love someone to be able to trust them. Not "in love" but love, care for...
I don't think you can trust a stranger, you're weary at the very least. Obviously, you don't trust people you don't like.
But I know that when you become a parent, you need to have trust for you to leave your children with someone, or to ask them for help, or support. I also feel like you should care on some level, which is a love of sorts. You don't want your children to go through the pain of something awful happening to their other parent.
Then again, quite obviously I am not a single mother and if I were burned enough by a deadbeat father my thoughts would probably change.
I get where you're coming from, but I sort of don't as well.
Fabio and I are still wildly in love after 12 years of marriage, but that came after 11 years of a true and rock-solid friendship, where we were both with other people. And we don't see each other often, so the fluttery feelings are still there.
I've been in a crook relationship where I had zero respect for him, and the kids suffered for it.
It was easier (and better) on my own -- but it was not ideal.
If you respect one another, and treat one another well, then that's a good basis for raising children.
But the very best of all is what I have. I'm blessed and I know it -- but we both work damn hard to protect and keep it too.
I think to be a good parent you don't have to love the other parent, but you do have to respect and trust them. However, its nice for a child to learn to love and aspire to love by witnessing parents in love. This coming from a child of divorced parents. How will a child know what romantic love looks like if they don't see it at home? I guess we're all influenced by our experiences, a 'grass is greener' kind of scenario.
This could work for some, and perhaps is the way to go. I agree for sure there is a lot of pressure for people to fall in love and the whole fairy tale thing.
For me personally, love and 'in love' has to be in the equation. Before I met the father of my children and step children I was in a relationship and was no longer 'in love'. We were at the stage where we started talking about children. This was one of the light bulb moments for me. I still loved, liked, respected and trusted him as a person but there was no way that I could ever imagine being a parent with him.
On another side, my parents loved each other, but I wonder if they were ever 'in love'. With some of the fights and arguments I remember wishing they would just divorce so we could be happy separately. And now I couldn't imagine the 'staying together for the children' scenario either.
I really do think you need to be 'in love' and although it may work just liking or loving I still feel there would be something missing.
I could never have married my wife if she wasn't my friend let alone have kids. From friendship spawns love - I think - without friendship it's just lust which, to be fair, I also have for her....
She's my best mate and without her I couldn't possibly cope. I also love her, a lot, so there you go. Friendship + lust + trust + respect = love.
At least that's what I think.
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Cheers!
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I think that ultimately if you aren't in love with the person you are with that the marriage or relationship will end. I believe this because I married a person I liked, even loved, but was not in love with and the fact that he was a wonderful person was not enough to keep us together.
This is a perfectly timed post for us.
I believe that there needs to be a whole lot of love, trust, respect, belief and like for two, or three or maybe even four people to raise a happy, confident child.
The "in love" bit doesn't enter into it for me and our situation....(hence, the 3 or 4 parenting party).
Thankyou for writing brilliant posts x
ooh thought provoking. I guess I can't make an educated comment as I am very much in love with my mister and I think that makes a crucial contribution to the kind of parents we are. I can't think of any couple I know who AREN'T in love so again, can't even extend my brain to consider how people who aren't in love make it work as parents. Maybe I need to think harder!
mmm.... I've never thought of this before. I can only speak from my experience but I imagine that like anything in life, different things work for different people. After 22 years of marriage I am more in love with hubby than I ever have been and I think for us, this has been vital in helping to raise our kids. Sure the 'in love' factor has come and gone along the way, but we've always found our way back to falling 'in love' again. While it's definitely not the only thing that you need to bring up kids, it's gone a long way in helping us to do that together, connected and aligned. Out of being 'in love', respect, trust and all those other important qualities have naturally come to the fore and helped to provide the stability and platform that our kids have needed as they have grown.
This is a very interesting topic to be indulge with. For me, when it comes to marriage it is important that the one I marry really loves me and I feel the same way too. This is one of the important foundation so that when it comes to hardships we will still overcome it because we have a strong foundation to each other.
To have a harmonious family is the best gift you could ever give to your children. Seeing their parents strong dedication to each other will serves as their guide to be a good citizen someday. A person who is loving and very caring.
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