A friend is staying with her husband even though he beats her daily and sometimes twice daily. He goes out every night and sleeps with other people. He creepily smells the lady next door's underpants on their communal washing line.
Fuck!
My friend has serious internal battles that mean her self-esteem is appalling low and she tells me she stays because she is afraid to be alone. As if being on her own is even worse than what her bastard husband dishes out. I know there is more to it than that. The pain is so deep into her eyes that I can see right through to her childhood. I want to have courage, but I dare not ask.
Whatever else we raise our children to grow up to be, independent and self-sufficient are very high on my list of must-haves. For them to find contentment when alone. To believe in themselves and know that they have a rightful place in this world that is no better and never, not ever, worse than anyone else's place. To be strong in their convictions and certain of the strength of their courage within. To know that they matter.
How can my friend sit at my coffee table and tell me the things she tells me and I tell her to leave, leave, leave and I show her my spare bed and I tell her that she can stay here forever if that's what it takes and she thanks me for my kindness and then she picks up her handbag and she goes back to that man? It doesn't make sense. It never makes sense.
She has three children.
At what point do we become responsible?
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45 comments:
Always. Never give up on her. She expects you will. Just like everyone else has.
You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change (or feels they can’t change). You have done what you can (offered her a place to stay and support etc). You really can’t do any more than that. Unless the kids are in danger and then you ring Child Protection if she won’t protect them (not that I am saying that is the situation). I have worked in women’s shelters and with the kids who grew up in these sorts of situations and before that I was in an abusive marriage. I know that feeling of thinking I couldn’t do it by myself. And I didnt have kids at that point. I just didnt think I could do it, my sense of self worth was so very low. Be her friend as much as you can (but look after your self in the meantime - emotionally more than anything else).
It's so hard to understand and obviously far more complex than my head can grapple with some days.
But, your post has made me imagine my son or daughter in such a position in years to come.
The notion pains me.
Friendship is so heavy at times.
x
Yes, Fuck indeed. It is easy to bury our heads in the sand when it comes to situations like this. But I feel so deeply for you being confronted with it and by someone you care about. In fact I feel so deeply for everyone involved in this horrible mess... except the low life causing all the pain.
I couldn't agree more in that one of the most important things to teach our children is self-worth. From this stems confidence, strength and the ability to be anything they choose to be. How dare anyone else deprive them of that right.
Your poor friend. It's just so sad.
Your poor friend, I can't begin to imagine how hard it would be for you to see her in this situation, if I were in your shoes I would seek professional advice on this one, since she has already confided in you,it's just too big to handle alone. I do hope she gets help, especially for the sake of the children.
I am horrified to hear about this friend's situation. I agree with previous readers, I think you've done all that you can do for her in your offer of a safe and support. However, we can all pray, pray, pray for her and her family (and her husband who clearly needs help, too).
This is so sad. A friend of mine was in the same situation and also refused to leave. Her children would see and hear the abuse and I asked her what effect she thought this would have on them. She was crazy enough to think that staying was best for them as her husband had a good wage to support them. All I could think was her son could grow up thinking it was okay to abuse women and her daughter would see it as normal. Her husband was also sleeping around. No amount of advice could change her mind. It broke my heart.
unfortunatly, you have told her you have the bed and you will be the friend that gave her the option and she will remember that when she goes back to him...maybe her seeing you in a healthy relationship...i don't know...hard
ummm...i don't know. i used to feel this way, teaching very vulnerable children. the first couple of years i wanted to bundle them up and bring then home. by about the third year, i learned that i needed a thicker skin if i were to survive, and teach them to survive. adults though...they make their choices, essentially. i think she knows it will get worse before it gets better, and she's frightened. love and light.
I think the first comment is pretty accurate. She expects you to give up and/or it is so scary to think about leaving. I know that seems strange but I was in a less than ideal relationship (no abuse, though) and it was hard to let go of the good times and leave. Keep being there for her. If she hears it enough, and can imagine an 'escape route' she will come around.
You are a beautiful friend. Keep chipping away and one day she will have the strength. I feel worse for her children, for what both she and he are teaching them about life. About self respect, responsibility and how to treat others. Her sons especially will learn this is how you treat women and her daughter will believe they deserve no better. That is hard to watch.
What a terrible, hopeless situation. I feel so sad for your friend. To think you are better off staying than being alone must be a really frightening feeling. It also makes me abit angry when people choose to put their kids through this. You are such a wonderful, wonderful friend. I so hope she takes you up on the offer to get help to leave. x
You can do nothing more. You cannot lend her your strength, nor draw her into your mind to view herself from your perspective.
All you can do is give her options, and be her friend. Which you have. Breathe deeply and slowly, and wipe away the tears before she sees them.
This is a horrible situation that happens more than we know.
All you can do is be there for her. Be strong for her until she can be for herself, keep offering her help and supporting her by listening. That is all you can do.
How awful! I cannot even start to imagine how it must feel for her but it sounds like she is obviously terrified of being alone. All you can do, is remain her friend and her support and remind her that she will never be alone. Don't take on too much though, our friends pain can often become a burden that we take on in our own hearts. Don't let her pain become your pain. I have done that before and it near destroyed my relationship and my life became a whole lot darker because of it.
Be her friend, but remember to be your own friend too x
I totally agree with the first comment. One day she'll be ready (hopefully) and she'll know you will be there for her.
and YES! If I could wish my daughter to take away anything from her childhood it would be independence and self-sufficiency. I want her to know that she has total control over her life.
Wishing your friend strength....
I think what you are doing is all you can do. Just don't stop doing it. As someone who watched my mother in an abusive relationship then was in abusive relationships myself, when others give up on you that is when it really gets bad.
What Clairey said ... even thought woooo, that is a big responsibility to take on.
I do agree though that the greatest gift we can give our kids is a strong sense of self-worth and utter, utter confidence in themselves. Those two things will stand them in good stead forever.
My mother was in the same situation as your friend but she left with my brother and I. It wasn't easy - there is a whole story of fear, anger and heartbreak in those three words. But we survived and only our memories of him could hurt us. It was our friends that sustainted us and helped us - 40 years on, the gratitude remains. Keep listening though your heart is breaking. Don't hide that from her, each step forward for her is a step away from that life
This story is so distressing and I feel for both your friend and especially her children who will grow up thinking that this is NORMAL. I get so mad, my reaction is to want to publically shame the husband, announce it to his entire workplace- see what all his friends and colleagues think of his behaviour. Where are the men to stand up to this bloke and tell him to pull his head in? It is the secrecy and shame that allows this to go on.
This is dreadful and I just hate hearing stories like these. Thank God she has a friend like you. You won't be able to convince her to leave as I suspect she might be suffering from "Battered Women Syndrome", which explains the complex reasons why so often women don't leave these abusive relationships while everyone around them is banging there heads against the wall. Maybe read up on it to see how to support someone in this situation. As for the children, I'm not sure I would be able to sit back and hope they are OK in that household, who knows what level of abuse they are witnessing or experiencing. Actually this is very tricky. If DOCS appeared on her doorstep she may deny anything is wrong and then it is all a bit of a mess and everyone may be worse off. I'd get some more outside advice on that I think. Oh Man!
Claire sums it up so well in the first comment.
Perhaps though offering a bed is not enough - what I mean is, your friend may feel if she stays with you she brings you and your family in to danger -
Perhaps support her by suggesting a way out, a plan of leaving. Could you find out about local womens shelters - the process to get to them? Find out what needs to happen and how? I know it is a lot to take on, but sometimes to leave, a person needs more than the offer of a bed in a good friends house.
What ever you do, don't stop asking, don't stop listening and don't stop offering your spare bed.
Oh it's such a torn situation. You are already doing more than you realise - by being her support, by being the one who listens.
Almost 10 years ago now, I was contacted by a woman asking me to write/publish her story of domestic violence. I did. It was moving, and an amazing community response followed. Then when I called to tell her, I discovered she'd gone back to him. I was in shock, couldn't understand it. The social worker told me to look at the positives: she left once so she can do it again, she's speaking about it, she can see it's not right. They're all little steps. Slowly, slowly... Elisa xx
Fuck is an understatement! Perhaps telling u is the first step. Baby steps. Be there for her, and she may take up that offer one day. Fingers crossed xxx
I think you need to just keep being there for her like you already are. On day (soon, we all hope!) she will need that spare bed.
I think everyone has given you supportive advise..
Something that I would hope not happens... Should she come to you for a refuge that he does not visit there and bring this stuff to your home.
There is support services for people like her. Maybe you contact them and they give you info to share with her or even she ring them at your place.
She needs to know in her head she will be alright when she leaves. This is a very frightening prospect. She need to know what support she will get and how she will cope. AT the moment she is thinking it is easier and better to stay with him and put up with the c.r.a.p than face uncertainty and etc...
argh
Suck worthy.
I hope I never have to experience this and I hope my children don't either. Such a terrible business.
I will tell you she knows she should leave, she knows this isn't how "love" is, she knows she deserves more than this even if she doesn't feel great about herself.
Leaving? It's not that simple. It's simple for others, it's black and white, there are lines that if crossed you should leave, but when it comes down to it, when you're the one in the situation, not just giving up on life as you know it, all the years you've put into getting where you are in life, hurting other people around you even if it's to save yourself....
It's just not black and white. It's not that simple.
Keep your offer there for her. Remind her now and then. Listen to her cries, and hug her. Most importantly love her, because she stays. She knows it's not ok, and she is living her hell because right now she feels she has to. Be it for her children, be it because she isn't ready to give up even though it's gotten this far. Love her, and listen to her. Don't tell her he's a douche bag, don't tell her she's stupid for not leaving, don't point out the example she is setting for her children. She is telling herself all of this already. Inside her mind is her biggest enemy, and right now she needs someone to listen to her and love her. Please be that person.
sounds like you're doing as much as you can without taking over. You can't live others peoples lives, just have the courage to stick around long enough to make a difference to them.
I hear your frustration and sadness. It's awesome that you are there and I just hope she takes you up on your offer.
I think when someone is that low they are so disconnected from themselves all you can do is try to help her reconnect on a completely different level.
I share your sentiments about our children. Beautifully written post. xx
I have no words. I just can't imagine.
Looks like lots of helpful suggestions/thoughts by previous commentators.
I really really really hope there is a way forward for your friend and her children. A way forward to freedom.
Horrible situation and obviously no good or clear answer. All I can suggest is get as much information as you can - there is a community legal centre called the Womens Legal Services NSW which might be a good start. Their website says they can advise about domestic violence and they have a free phone advice service. I suspect they can also provide referrals if your friend decides she does want to spend time in a women's refuge.
http://www.womenslegalnsw.asn.au/our-services/womens-legal-resource-centre.html
I have a friend in a similar situation, I have told her over and over again that she is better off on her own and that her life will be so much easier if she just leaves, but she does't, she dreams of a happy family and thinks that one day it will happen. I think not. I don't think you can be responsible, ultimately these are grown women who have to make their own choices in life - but if something were to happen, thats what worries me most.
Ok Bron I cannot help but respond as I would in my "work capacity" - You have the knowledge of what goes on in her world. To me...from what you say...those kids (and your friend) are at serious risk of harm.
You can call DOCS (in vic it's DHS) but basically Child Protection...make a report...tell them what you know...anonymously if you like. Those kids need someone to make sure they are safe. If husband beats on your friend...what says he won't on the kids. Even exposure is bad enough and your friend is not acting protectively to ensure those kids safety...sorry it's harsh but it's true.
Second thing is help your friend get an Intervention Order. Apply for one at the police station. She can stay with the husband if she chooses but the order will mean he can't hit her...and if he does she calls the police and he gets arrested. It's clear this man has groomed her..perhaps threatened that he will kill her or the kids if she tries to leave. there is some overpowering reason why she is staying. She needs a well thought out escape if she does. A women's refuge that will take the kids is great. i've worked in one, and they can help her sort out all sorts of practical and emotional aspects of her future. Bron you are doing a remarkable job. Continue to empower her...her confidence is practically non existent. she will not leave without confidence to know she will be ok in the end.
xx
I wish I'd had a friend like you in a past relationship (feels like a past life now). My dear friends actually asked if I would consider moving interstate, as they were scared of my ex.....but not quite as scared as I was.
Luckily my boss could see what was happening, and she helped me go into hiding for a while.
Sometimes I think my hubby makes up double for all that garbage, just so lucky there were no children involved.
Don't give up on her Bron xx
Cripes, Bron. How horrendous. I am so glad she has you as her friend with all your innate compassion and sensibilities. I agree with Mel about BWS (you can tell we're both lawyers) and think Brenda makes some excellent suggestions. It's terribly difficult for you but I guess my approach would be to think "Could I live with myself if she or her children came to harm when I knew what was going on?". It's a matter for you, Sweetheart. Just trust your instincts and intuition which are always so spot-on. J x
Patience love.
My little sister was married to a horrible man who thought it was fun to beat the crap out of her daily.
He once wrote slut on her face in permanent marker after a random man asked her if she was having a nice night while they were out for dinner.
The things that man did to my sister...and got away with... unspeakable.
For the longest time we did nothing... We just waited for the phone call to say she was dead.
We played good cop bad cop and fount that didn't work either. Anyone who dared mention the abuse was instantly cut off from all communication. No-one was to pass on any information about her either and if she found out anyone had they too would be cut off, as would the person who they told.
She was terrified that if her husband found out that we all knew what was going on he would kill her.
I would get calls in the middle of the night when he'd be taken into lock up and she'd just SOB. She'd call on her way home from taking the kids to school (she wasn't allowed to work) and tell me she wanted to drive into a tree or a brick wall and just end it all.
The only thing I could do was listen when she needed me to as I was so scared if I pushed too hard she would shut down and no one would know what was happening.
It took what felt like a very long time for her to leave...but she did.
She's now dating the most sweetest loveliest man ever...who happens to be a social worker and worships the ground she walks on.
For those kids though...I urge you to call DOCS. Do it anonymously if you feel you need to. Those kids are experiencing trauma and right now, I have two little kids in my care that have grown up with domestic violence and the damage that has been caused will be with them for a very very long time. Our 11 year old has to sleep with a light on and the slightest raised voice will trigger LM into an almost catatonic state.
Be there for her, hold her hand when she needs, listen to her and tell her that you aren't going anywhere. No matter how horrible it gets. Because it will.
x
I was faced with a similar situation where my friend was emotionally abused for years and one day HE kicked her out. They have 3 young children. She fled to my house in the middle of the night and stayed with us for 3 months. We tried to help her but after years of abuse she just didn't have the strength to face it all. She now struggles financially and faces a long hard road. It has been torment for me to stand and watch but at the end of the day it is her that has to make the change and I just couldn't do it for her. I don't get how she has dealt with (or failed to deal with) the entire situation but then I haven't been emotionally abused for years. It is hard. Really hard.
Oh yes.I keep telling my friend there are worse things than being alone. Being alone doesn't mean lonely - Clearly you can be lonely in a relationship.
Sometimes it's unbearably hard to picture yourself in someone else's shoes - especially when it comes to domestic violence. One thing is for sure Bron, it's not about your friend not wanting to help herself; but more about being so emotionally beaten down, that the choice is literally too hard to make.
I've been there, with my Mum, as you may remember me telling you many many moons ago. As a child growing up in the most horrendous, overwhelming and scary situations, I know how her little ones feel, and how that life is for a child - helpless, heartbreaking, and exhausting; but as a woman who now has the luxury of looking back, I can see the difficulty in my mama's situation. She was broken and bruised and had lived through more than two decades of violence - it becomes your whole world, all you know. It takes time to realise that there is life after abuse - but there is.
What can you do? Love your friend; wrap her up in the wonder and comfort of love, because it's love, from every support network and person she has in her life that will give her the courage to leave. Tell her all the things that we often take for granted - that she is strong (because in spite of how it looks, it takes incredible strength to live through what she's doing), capable, incredible; that she is loved, valued and never, ever, ever alone.
On a practical level, which can be tricky to do (and sometimes heartbreaking), urge her to document any injuries she recieves, especially if she's never called the police for help; it acts as a bolster when making applications for protection orders, when the time comes. Nowadays, courts are swift and proactive when issuing protective orders for long term abuse; and police are vigilant in enforcing breaches of any order.
And as for being alone? Think of it in this way: Peace. Security.
I'm thinking of your friend, and hoping that she finds the courage to think about starting again xx
It's hard to understand why someone would stay with an abusive person and not want to run away as fast she can with her kids and make a better life for herself.
I hope she gains her confidence soon, surely it must have taken a battering from her husband, and seeks some advice from a professional on what the best thing to do is considering kids are involved.
I am so, so glad that people can talk about these things more openly than they did, say... oh in 1976, which was the worst year when we were kids. Not so bad as this, my Dad had many redeeming features... but nobody EVER talked about it. Nothing was done. SHOCKER!! Keep talking-talking... and lots of good advice here. Hugs to friend and you, the supporter, too. Tough job.
Oh bron. My heart aches and aches for your friend. Even more so, her children. But if she doesn't remove er children from the abuse, then she too, is responsible for the very thing she is a victim of. Do it for the kids! Please. My husband and I see abuse like this often. It doesn't ever get easier, but it does make me certain of one thing: abuse finishes when the person leaves the abuser. There is never a miracle change from the abuser. She must break the cycle. Hugs to you and her. Thank god she has friends like you. Xx
Tell her to read little miss mummy blog. Not as extreme on the beating side but does talk about coming out the other side if an abusive relationship- and the effect it has on the kids.
Oh this is SO tough! After reading through the comments, these things stood out to me as a step fwd.
Always. Never give up on her. She expects you will. Just like everyone else has.
Perhaps support her by suggesting a way out, a plan of leaving.
if I were in your shoes I would seek professional advice on this one, since she has already confided in you,it's just too big to handle alone.
Keep listening though your heart is breaking. Don't hide that from her, each step forward for her is a step away from that life
It's such a complicated issue and I worry your friends self worth is so low that her concept of reality is just so distorted that she isn't really able to make these decisions. She is probably just trying to make it through each day. You might not be able to convince her to leave but you might be able to convince to accept some support. Maybe you could organise some counselling for her. You could go along too if that what she wants.
You are a beautiful friend.
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