This post is for my dear friend, who is struggling right now.
'Baby' is such a beautiful word, so full of history and promise and love. Squishy-ishy cuddles and sweet smells and overwhelming joy that makes you look at your partner in a whole new way. We made this. The closeness that a baby brings is magical. We made this, together.
'Baby' is such a scary word, so full of hurt and responsibility and unknowables. Selflessness, smells and overwhelming worry that makes you look at yourself in a whole new way. I did this. The terror that a baby brings is gut-wrenching. I did this, only me.
Late at night when all is finally silent and you're lying there, wide-awake, wondering, know this:
You are a newborn mum. You were born only eight weeks ago.
You are still missing the womb. Your baby and you; both utterly terrified to be out. Untethered. Nurture yourself as kindly and carefully as you nurture your new baby. There are no wrong ways, no right ways, just ways. There is no blame or guilt, only you and she and him and right now. The newborn world is relentless, but it has a rhythm of its own that you will find if you are gentle. Give in to the moments and trust that the future will take care of itself when it is ready.
You are a newborn mum. You were born only eight weeks ago.
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58 comments:
Some of the best advice I was given was 'you do what you do until it doesn't work any more, then you do something else.' So simple but so true. If it is working don't worry if anyone tells you to do it differently, keep doing what is working. If it isn't working, don't be afraid to change and try something else.
Also, sometimes just calling a friend, bursting into tears and getting some sympathy is all you need. :)
All the best.
Sleep while the baby sleeps. Trust in Dad - he knows more than you think and it is their job too - they need to learn and be involved. Don't start thinking about getting your body back - you don't live in a magazine - let you body have time to recover it will happen, it will recover.
Get outside when you can - fresh air is good for you even when you're in your PJs.
Drink in the time. I know it's cliched - but it's over so quickly and you'll never get it back. This time when you're your babies whole world and they are growing so quickly - do all you can to savour it... Time spent staring, extra kisses, hugs, just admiring the tiny feet and hands and watching all the changing expressions...
If you need to - let everything else go. Take the time to just be aware. To try to imprint it all in your memory. And sleeping when baby sleeps isn't such a bad idea! My little man and I used to have two long sleep-read-feeds a day and it was bliss. This did not happen second time around. I missed it.
I agree with Christina. Trust your instincts & do whatever works for you & bub. When it stops working, change it up.
Getting outside & seeing others is hard work. But even if it's just having a chat with the bakery lady, that can make you feel incredibly normal.
Being a new mama is so so hard. The thing that got me through, was to have no expectations of myself, or of my baby. No expectations meant that I couldn't let myself down.
I also read (and still read) Buddhism for mothers. Awesome book. I highly recommend it.
All the best dear Michelle. You'll make it through these trying times. x
Wonderful soothing advice.
I'd also say listen to your baby. Don't feel like you need to meet anyone's expectations, but the baby's. Open the curtains when you get up. Leave them open. Get fresh air. Drink hot tea. Put on fresh sheets and make the bed like a hotel bed (ie/ a serene, restful place, not covered in washing). Let someone else take bubs to give you breaks.
Care for yourself like you would a dear friend. It will pass. x
Sleep when your baby sleeps, even if this is at 2 in the afternoon. don't worry about the house work you were planning to do when they were down. it doesn't matter.
Also, this stage does not last forever. it does get easier and you will look back with rosy coloured glasses. that's why we have more you know!
In the words of David Sedaris: “When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.” Note that he even stores his in a Fuckit Bucket. In short do what helps you get through the days Michelle - not what you think you should be doing. The early days are SO TOUGH. It gets easier, promise. xxxx
what a beautiful friend you are, bron. I had never looked at having a newborn like that - being a newborn mum. seems forever ago now... my mum always said to me 'happy mum, happy baby'. and it has always worked for me. of course not every minute of having a newborn makes you happy (broken sleep, lots of nappies and washing etc) but on the whole, surrounding myself with things and people that made me happy, that has always helped to make me a happy mum, and the kids feed off it, making them happy in turn. not getting caught up in doing what other mothers are doing if it doesn't work for you is a big one too. I never read any parenting books, I am sure there are good ones out there, but don't do something you don't *feel* is right for you and bub, just because an award winning book tells you to. hope your friend comes out of the fog soon, that newborn phase is gone in the blink of an eye xx
I love the concept of the "newborn mum". Never thought of it like that before. It really took me until I had my 3rd pregnancy which were twins to take the advice that had been given to me so often. That newborn mum feeling is scary but very normal. But by the time the twins came along we had learnt from experience and dedicated every single penny of the $10,000.00 we received from the baby bonus (2x$5000) to doing whatever it took to keep us sane!! So I agree with the advice that you just do what you have to do to get through. There are good days and bad days for everyone. The days are long but the years are short - they really really are!!!
So beautiful Bron. x
a) they don't remember you are both only eight weeks old and neither functioning at full capacity just yet b) no one knows better than baby's parents..... No one c) you are only given what you are capable of dealing with so just know you are way stronger than you think and the mist will clear
That's my ABC, breathe Mumma Breathe it wil all be just fine x
Wonderful post Bron.
No advice from me. Just deep breaths.
Oh yes. I remember. Was only thinking how iys getting easier every day. My now near 6 month Old, live her to prices. Still not sleeping through the night but easier.
You eventually get into the groove. Learn to love each other and work each other out. You will learn to communicate with each other too.
You have such a beautiful way with words Bron and that is why I love visiting you blog so much. My advice...nah I don't have any, because when I was a new mum I remember being overwhelmed with all the advice. Your friend will be just fine, especially with buddies like you there for her. Xx
Never underestimate the restorative power of a day nap. Get out of the house for a walk every day at 4 o'clock. Friends with babies that sleep from 7-7 within a few weeks of birth are not better parents, they just got really lucky and when they go back for number 2 generally get a reality check. A good child health nurse clinic at the local pharmacy Is gold- go weekly and pick their brain. And mostly, as time passes it gets easier. Wish your friend the best. Melx
I wish I had some good advice, but I reckon so few of us mums can even remember those early days - they are just a haze. I don't know if this will help your friend, but here is a post I recently for a couple of friends who had just become newborn mums.
http://www.kellyexeter.com.au/5-simple-and-beautiful-truths-about-having-a-newborn/
That people will judge. And that's ok. They can't help it. They boo boo you for breastfeeding/bottle feeding, co sleeping/not cosleeping, using a dummy, wrapping or not, driving them around so they sleep, rocking them in the pram in the lounge room so they sleep, turning the radio to static so they sleep and, in my very personal experience, watching all 15 seasons of ER while you nursed them on the couch so they slept.
But you know what?
Fuck em.
When you kid is 3 and throwing a tantrum, they're not going to help you out. When your kid is 14 and throwing a tantrum, they're not going to help you out. When your kid moves out of home, they're not going to hold your hand. At the end of your life when you look back, you gotta be happy with what YOU did.
If it feels right, do it, if it doesn't, don't. And sleep deprivations hurts, physically and emotionally, so it's ok to cry and feel useless and unsure. My son is 3 and I still get a slap of shock across the face every now and then when I look at him and think, "Who is this kid and why is he in my house?"
Just One Thing. After battling with my first I decided I would just try and get one thing done in the day - it could be really simple - like read a mag, or have a shower, or a little bigger like go for a walk, or organise a present. Something small and achievable - and then be glad for it - a tiny goal set and achieved can feel like at least you've done something other than feed baby, change baby, rock baby, put baby to sleep. A exquisitely wonderful and often terrible time all rolled into one - how I miss it. It feels like an incredibly long time at first, then looking back it is just gone in a flash - probably because you're delirious with fatigue.
I felt so alone when I was a newborn mum, as though I was the only person whose life had been turned upside down by the arrival of a baby.
It helps to remember that there are many many newborn mums out there going through a similar experience right now.
All the best to your friend x
just keep on talking to good friends. that's all.
I really love the analogy you've used Bron, it is so true you are a newborn Mum. If I had any advice to give it would be to not compare yourself to others, don't believe everything you read, sleep whenever you can, just go slowly with yourself don't be to hard on yourself if things don't go to plan and believe in yourself and know things will be ok. All the best for your friend Bron everything will be ok. xx
Stick with beautiful, understanding, non-judgemental friends like you.
I used to sing Beyonce's 'Beautiful Nightmare' to Magoo!! I felt it summed up our nights. I didn't love him any less - I just wanted some godforesaken sleep and help with a sick bub!!
It is the most wondrous, amazing time that can hurt oh so hard.
I wish your friend (and all of us!) perspective and patience.
:-)
Oh I know this heartache all too well. It doesn't feel like it but it does get easier. I'm not one to sleep while the baby sleeps, except at night. The sense of achieving something during the day is more important to me than napping. I love Karen's idea of making sure the bed is made. I'd also say to shower before Dad leaves the house and do it even if the baby is crying! Try to dial back on what you think you should do and really concentrate on understanding your baby's needs and doing whatever makes you feel more human including getting fresh air! I now have a 3 year old & a 4 month old, both of whom made me feel EXACTLY the way you have described. Don't be afraid to cry. Talk to whoever you can. Know that you're skiing a great job and babies don't come back with a rule book. Know that you are NOT alone. I wish I could hug you right now, truly. Xxx
it took me ages not to be scared.
looking back I would say throw out the books. yes eat lots of candy. take lots of pictures. dress your bub in nice clothes and get outside. keep talking and reaching out to friends. you don't have to be going through this all by yourself. seek professional help if those intrusive thoughts become too much for you.
and lastly love the baby you have. she/he is only very little and not really of this world yet.
xx
jill
SM called the first eight weeks 'the pit of despair'...with the first it was 8 weeks but by our third KAT, the 'pit of despair' lasted about 16 weeks!!!!
No advice, only a wish your friend continues to find empathy from her friends...she's already found it in you lovely Bron:)
Oh so beautiful, Bron. x
Newborn mummy, you are not alone.
It may look like the rest of us know what we're doing but that is all an illusion.
Really we are ALL just figuring it out as we go along.
Forget soft-focus photos and TV-perfect poster families; we are all overwhelmed in those first few days, weeks, months, years. Never think that you are all alone, that you are the only one struggling, the only one who is not cut out for the exhaustion and endless feeding. None of us had a clue what we were in for... until that baby emerged into the world and brought with him/her the sheer heights of unbelievable JOY and LOVE... and the overwhelming depths of terror as you realise that you are now a PARENT 24/7/365. Responsible.
Its OK. The terror goes away; you learn to live with it. You grow into your babies. And soon you'll be handing out hard-learned advice with the best of us.
In the meantime, here are a few of My War Stories...
http://www.greatfun4kidsblog.com/2011/09/new-mother-tips-and-few-war-stories.html
HUGS
xxx
Powerful words, Maxabella!
I would advise to cherish the new you and baby and moment.
Do not have too many or great expectations/goals, and only be there for your baby and yourself!
You can be selfish for as long as you want to be!
Beautiful words Bron.
My advice? Take deep breaths, cry when you need to and don't listen to anyone else, just yourself. Even when you think you don't 'know' you do.
(And the best thing I ever did was Tizzie Hall, Save our Sleep. Not only did it save our sleep it saved our sanity and saved me from slipping into depression).
no advice, just Big Hugs for Newborn Mums (lov that term by the way)and she is lucky to have you, great post Bron xx
This is beautiful, Bron.
Give in. Trust. Those two terms you use are exactly it - I think they're the keys to finding your feet.
Beautiful and wise words for new mums everywhere. My mantra then (and sometimes now 2 years later) was always "this will pass." Helped me through the awful dark times and reminded me to stop and appreciate the good. All the best to your friend x
Those words are so true and I kind of wish that someone had said them to me with my first. Those early days are so hard but you do get through it and it does get better. I think it is really important to know that you are not the only one....there are so many others like you but many don't talk about it. Don't compare yourself, ask for help if you need it and accept help if it is offered. Sending lots of love to your friend Bron. xxx
It does get easier!
Boy did I rely on those words in the early days. Not only did it get easier but more enjoyable by the year.
Beautifully written Bron.
I remember that feeling. There are so many cliches I could say, and some of them ring very true. It does get easier. But it's sometimes hard to see that.
I remember being up feeding in the early hours, unable to keep my eyes open and wondering what on earth I was doing?!
And now I'm about to do it all again.
I'd say the best advice is to speak up. If people offer help, take it. If you're feeling low, talk to someone about it. Or... get on Twitter/Blogging... there's a whole new network of support out there. :) xx
To follow her instincts. Listen to the advice, but if it doesn't feel right for you and your baby then do your own thing. Ask for help if you need it. And remember to cherish these little moments, because they all only happen once.
the best advice 'every stage passes'....this is true not only for the difficult stages, but also unfortunately the joyful ones...the newborn days go too soon. Oh and the WORSE advice was sleep when your baby sleeps (ummm, and who is going to do the washing, cooking and cleaning??? still waiting for the cleaning fairy to come)....this alongside with 'dont bother cleaning the toys your toddler is just going to make a mess again'....umm, yes, perhaps we shouldnt bother with washing clothes, cleaning dishes, brushing our teeth etc after all they are only going to get dirty again. I believe the very best thing you can do for a newborn mum is arrive armed with yummy cooked meals that can be frozen, a few treats, some lovely handcream and just do the dishes, hang the clothes out etc even when she says no!
Lovely, lovely words.... Newborn mums need lots of love. Just like newborn babes. I hope your friend is not too overwhelmed for too long xxxx
know that it is okay to worry, to feel scared, to feel anxious... man, this role was not meant to be easy. But trust in yourself and know that this trust will slowly and slowly become easier. Everyone thinks they know the right way. But your way is the best way! it does get easier! and don't forget to ask for a little help xx
know that it is okay to worry, to feel scared, to feel anxious... man, this role was not meant to be easy. But trust in yourself and know that this trust will slowly and slowly become easier. Everyone thinks they know the right way. But your way is the best way! it does get easier! and don't forget to ask for a little help xx
Trust your instincts. Take a deep breath and remember bubba needs to learn how to be a baby too. You are both new and will find your way. Don't plan to go out, just take time getting to know each other. A good visitor is someone who brings treats and does a chore for you, like the washing or e folding and brings you meals. Generally most people are fantastic but be wary of those who want to be waited on. Give it a few more weeks. If you are out of your pyjamas by lunchtime, you are doing well. Hopefullyy some of this will bring your friend some comfort.
not that I have first hand experience but I know when life is tough these two things are good to remember!
Ask for help and don't feel guilty to have 5 minutes to yourself...MUCH LOVE to your dear friend xx
When times are hard, remind yourself that things will get easier (and you'll realize that someone is doing it tougher than you); when times are fun, pause and take it all in as they really do grow so fast. Be proud of small achievements and find a way to continue things you enjoy. Find like-minded mums who can share your laughter and tears and don't judge.
I loved new babies, i had an incredible husband who was like a baby whisperer, above all, i never got exhausted - i didn't let myself get exhuasted, as that is when emotions, feelings & calm is hard to find, or reason with.
Best advice, this is your new job, embrace it, resign yourself over to being a mum & the whole new life that comes along with it, you've got a new constant companion & they want to feel safe - cuddled, cosy & constant noise with a full belly.
Above all, some mums are better at other stages than others, some don't nail the new mum role but are totally fantastic for toddlers who ask a billion questions or teenagers who don't ask any questions . . . it's a real mix & adventure. They're not babies for long, love Posie
Oh loved Coal Valley's view with the baby bonus, i had 4 babies before it was available, it would have been freaking handy seeing i was a child bride & married love not money. GOD it would have been handy, oh well, i worked when i had one, it set us up financially for life & i had 2 whole years in the workforce using my education, before twins & retirement, yay, love Posie
What a wonderful way to think of it, the newborn mum. It can be so overwhelming. Love so many of the comments here. Newborn mum, you are SO not alone. It's amazing, it's wonderful and also terrible, everything has changed. You and babe are newborns together.
There are so many, but the simplest....it will pass. Do whatever you need to get through the next hour, the next day, the next week and it will start making sense soon enough!
The best advice (well the only advice I recall from those 3am moments) I received was to remember that every stage is temporary - nothing (including sleepless nights) lasts forever. You get through it and believe it or not, you forget, when you come out the other end.
Much love to your friend xox
Stay in, don't try to do too much, stay hydrated and eat well. Sleep when you can. Cry as needed. Don't have big crowds around just small numbers, best buddies. I had a friend like you. I made her go for a long walk alone. I minded the kids, tidied up the kitchen, did some laundry. She came back refreshed, not just from the walk away but from knowing she was loved and it was all normal and okay. Hang in there. Soon it will get a little better, then better then suddenly you'll be in a strange new happy place- still tired but happy.
I must remember this post and all these comments - in case I need them from about 8-10 weeks time.....
Meanwhile I hope your friend is feeling better maxabella.
Such a beautiful take on first time parenthood.."newborn mum". When I was about to become a mother the first time around, my boss (who had a few kids) said "Remember, no matter what anyone says, you are in the business of sustaining a life. There's nothing more important than that". Of course, it took a long time for those words to sink in. For me to really get it :)
We mamas understand. We are all in the same boat. Even if she looks like she has it together, she probably doesn't.
No one can prepare you for this, but it does get better x
These comments are so lovely. I don't think I can add anything that hasn't already been said, but my main advice is to trust your instincts :) and don't waste time worrying.
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I just love this post Bron and have already passed it on to two people. The advice I always give people is the same as the very first comment - don't worry about forming bad habits. If something is working for you and the baby, do it. When it no longer works you will find something else that does and then you will do that. You may be thinking one day, how will we ever stop doing *whatever* and then the next day the baby decides it doesn't like doing that anymore anyway.
When my eldest (now 8) was born and I was demented with tiredness and worry, a dear friend (male, with older children) explained to me with a long piece of string that what I was worrying over was the knot at one end of the string. And that children's lives are the whole length. And not to get strung out on the knot at one end.
He then poured me a glass of Pimms, took her for a walk in the stroller and let me cry in the shower.
xxx
I think you said it all! Because really, the only advice I would ever give a newborn mum is "be weary of the advice - givers!" Listen to your heart!
xx
Keep them close and look after yourself :-)
Oh my!
This ...
This post is a wonderful gift from a wonderful friend to a Mum when she is 8 weeks in.
And I am telling you now, something like this would have been music to my ears 8 weeks into my journey.
The insight alone is like a big, comfortable blanket.
Beautiful!
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